Scared...

Here's something for you. I never really understand why I am falling this hard for this one person. Well, not just any person to me... It's scaring me to face the fact that, that person I can see everything in her I did my first girlfriend. I think that's why I'm so attracted. But there are so many other reasons as well. This person... Oh this person has way more confidence, will tell me when I need to be put into place.... and many more things.

Interesting thing, I haven't told this person. This person is in my dreams all the time now (and for once I do remember them). It's like an addicting drug, or just talking with that person... just makes me feel like I'm drunk.

..... That's a different feeling. One I've never felt before. Which is why it's scaring me.....

I don't just need that person.... I want that person. Not for what that person can do, but for who they are....

Dream

I've always had weird dreams, never really understood them. This one now I am really confused with.... It's a reoccurring dream on slight occasion. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing bad about it, it's just that... It wont happen. (Normally my dreams are truthful and happen. Which is weird too but that's another story for another time)

Any how... It goes like this ... It starts out with me looking through a camera. Flash. Light surrounds me. New scene. Now I'm out in front of a house. There are two kids playing... Boy and girl. I walk inside, there's someone there. I look to my hand, and I see a ring. Was married to someone from college (not saying names for confidential purposes). We both get dinner ready after talking for hours about work, life, and love. The kids run inside and outside of the house, asking us questions and playing with one another. Dinner comes along, we all sit down and eat as a family. I'd clean up as the kids went to bed. I'd follow my partner upstairs to help with the kids. Once they're settled down, we go into our room and just lay there in bed. Talking. (Goes... into.... more than talking but I'm skipping over the details of what happens). Afterwards.... We'd still talk, cuddle, and just be ourselves.

.... That's when the dream starts to fade into me waking up

A Letter To Me

Dear My past self/present self/future self,

To my past self, I'm sorry what you had to go through, but you want to know something? Don't change a thing. It's made you who you are today. Sure you'll think back and think a lot of stuff you did was a mistake, and sure as hell it might be, but those mistakes made you learn. They made you learn that not every time in life you're handed a good hand. You just have to roll with the cards you were dealt with.

To my present self, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking all is hopeless with you. That nothing is going right and that you wish you just never were given the chance at living. Want to know something though? At the hardest time we have right now, everything is worth that one moment. Because we're still learning from out mistakes.

To my future self, I still question to when you're going to give me a sign. Just one sign that will say "it'll be alright" or something. I just wish that I could just glace at your life. Only to see what I'm doing right, and what I'm doing terribly wrong. I do wish the best for us though. Mostly for you right now since you're the future but hey, I can still wish for it.

Love,

The Stranger In Your Bed

Update?

So I've been on here for a while now and no one really knows me... At all actually. I write about how I feel, just vent things out, give random facts and positions etc... But that's about all. You don't know the guy behind this screen. Well, here it goes:

Right now, legally, I am Taylor Elizabeth Burgess. I go by Tyler to make myself feel better about how I feel on the inside. I am a transgender male, and... I think Pansexual, not lesbian? I'm not sure... That I'm still trying to figure out.

I was born and raised in Gaithersburg, Maryland on March 25, 1993 at 5:46pm. Montgomery General Hospital is where I was born, that's in Rockville, Maryland. I was two years old when I had my first near death experience. I drank some baby gel stuff and it made me sick.

At the time I was about two and a half my baby brother Thomas was born. Oh and right, I'm one of four kids. It went (now that I think about it) my older brother Scott, my sister Shelton, Myself, then my younger brother. I didnt meet Scott till this last year, but grew up with Shelly and Thomas.
When I was about eight, I was stung by a jellyfish... Ouch! That was my first time actually remembering going to the beach in North Carolina. That's where I go almost every year. The Outer Banks.
I was a little bit older then ten years old to when Shelly passed away. I still haven't gotten over it. She was my idol. She taught me everything. Even how to say "Fuck you" in ASL. Ha ha ha. Any ways, in that same year is when I started to drink. Parents left alcohol in the house so, why not?
Now it comes down to this... I was 12... I met the first girl I loved, Anna. Me and her were together till I was almost 15. She passed away of cancer. But she did teach me a lot. About myself, love, life, happiness... So many emotions I felt within that time. Even when she gave birth to our daughter (May she as well Rest In Peace)... Biggest joyful memories I have, yet they are the saddest.

After that, I was 15, dated a guy for a while till the cops found him as a sexual internet predator. Great right?

16, Oh was that a wonderful time... Jillian Parramore was my girlfriend. Oh boy did she drive me insane. I mean she was alright... till she tried to control every little aspect of my life. Plus, she didn't let me do anything. The little manipulative bitch drove me up a wall to where, I was tempted to cheat but then I didn't for self morals. Oh oh oh but get this now... We were engaged! She made me ask her! She wanted kids, wanted this house, wanted me to get several jobs to support her needs.... The hell! So, the beginning of this year, the day BEFORE Valentines day... I broke up with her. She was PISSED, but I was soooo happy.

Now... see.... I explained my entire love life....now let me explain my school life. Since I was in school, I was bullied all the time. I was the dorky kid. Always was a "teacher pet" so to speak, at least in elementary school. Middle school however was different. I was in drama, and the tech club. I was called a nerd, geek, freak, faggot, dyke, so many words for one little kid. (Honest to god I was as skinny as a twig too! Not like right now.... I'm a fat boy now. Lmao). Any how... My high school years were the worst. I was an outcast. I was still the dork, the freak, the geek etc... I was on the debate team, Drill team, mock trial, I did some sports but no one cared I was there. Drama was my thing. So was Choir. I loved both of them. I was never a good student. Nearly failed all of my classes till I met one teacher. Sargent Major. He got me into shape. Turned my entire life around. Even if I was still called names, bullied, bossed around, I didn't care. I had my self pride. I graduated May 31, 2011 from Magruder High School with a 3.2 GPA.

My home life... That's a different story. I used to get along with my parents when I was younger. Always was I a daddy's little girl. Grew up with watching sports etc... boy stuff basically. My manners are from my father. He was always the gentleman. But when I started to grow into myself, is when I started to rebel. I always was taken to a higher standard because I was mature for my age(s). I hated it. I was treated differently. Yet when I came into my sexuality is when the distance really grew. My parents had kicked me out (at least my mom did) for 6 months. I stayed and lived with a friend of mine for a good long while. At least until I was able to come back. Even when I did, things werent the same.
My environment was weird. I was one of the few white kids around. So I was teased. I was angered a lot because of it. I've kept my anger inside a lot. When I got to the point of a loss, I'd lash out at something... Whether it be a one shot knock out, or a brick wall. I had to channel it.
At least now I can control it. I write. I read. I play music. I write music. I do a lot.

Now my life seems to be in an abyss. I can't tell which way it's going.... It's scaring me. Really badly. Because now I'm more vulnerable to love, to lust, to sadness... I don't know where I am, what I'm doing. (well I do but...well...whatever, just listen), With everything... I don't really want to know what's going to happen. I just want it to happen... I want it to be embraced so it can be apart of what makes me, well, me. I am who I am from the events in my life. I am comfortable with myself. I am positive (sometimes). But here is one thing I can say I am.... I am someone who can take something.... and change it for the better.

What Am I To Do?

So, right now my body is literally screwing with my head and heart.

I don't really understand it. All I know is that it is driving me crazy! My heart melts every time I talk to her, yet I say nothing in fear. Not because of my body for once, but just in fear of rejection...

Hate not being able to feel accepted. It's like coming out all over again. The nervousness that you feel, the nausea, headaches, confusion.

Sometimes it hurts to love, like now. You never know where things will go. Plus, being in a new state away from where I had my "run away" places to are gone. I have none here really...

Back to feelings: what am I to do with you? I can stand my ground, but for some reason just when it's with that one person... She tears it back down to where I'm begging on my knees for just one chance. Somewhere in my heart I know that chance will never be.

Why?

Just take a look. Sure, I might be a girl on the outside and no matter how hard I will try to change myself... I still am not good enough. I feel male, I show it too, yet it scares people... It makes them treat me different.

So here's where I stand... I'm falling for this one girl. I'm not sure if she knows. It's scaring me. Most of you all who tend to read what I write know of what all goes on with me since... well... all of you are basically friends. My blogs are of how I feel at that time.

Soon I should be starting video blogs on my Youtube - TBxBUD is my page.

Any ways, back to where I stand on this... "crush" so to speak. I think I'm just going to let it go. Sure I have confidence in myself and all but there's not a chance that I will ever get with someone. I'm on a losing game.